Being Known.

This is more of a random post than my usuals- just some thoughts I’ve been having with some vague “what’s been going on” mixed in.

Back in September I posted another “vague”ish post about being in storms- coming out, going into and being in them. September was the month I entered therapy….and I am so thankful I did. I could write a whole other blog about that and what I have found and what I am discovering…some of it completely liberating- and some has also been completely debilitating (in this moment of time). I went in, in September seeking an outlet- a place to help with the feeling of being “overwhelmed” – and it HAS become a place of solace, a space for “me” and me alone which I desperately needed…and it’s also been a place of complete un-doing….it’s turned my life seemingly upside down in many ways. It’s not that therapy has uncovered something and after that uncovering it’s effected my life- it’s seeing how this thing, now uncovered & being faced- how IT has been this thing always scratching it’s way to the surface, invading areas- particularly my marriage- but also my view of myself, God, my parents, my sister, my friends, my past…vagueness on the “it” I know- but none the less “it” is a real thing, maybe a number of things..I don’t even know ALL of “it” to be quite honest with you.

So having faced a lot already I can honestly say the past couple months in particular have been the hardest in my marriage to date.  I’d say “life” but, that’s not true at all.  Having my marriage, a place of seeming security- be invaded…to feel torn open, vulnerable and bare …and wish the other person simply KNEW you, all of you.  Who you are, what you’ve been through, your thoughts, feelings, hopes- and in that knowing could then be a source of complete compassion…to bind your wounds to heal them with their love some how.  This need I had – to be fully known and fully loved was a real NEED I have…except I was totally looking in the wrong place.  Jesus. Really. Is. The. Answer.  Yeah, it’s gonna be one of those posts.

It’s true, in the face of suffering- complete chaos and confusion- and a ton of unknowns and “I can’t do this”‘s He has come to my rescue.. EVERY.TIME.  With out fail, He’s there- He scoops me up, puts me in a safe place…and waits with me until I feel like it’s ok to emerge and face the “it”- and He’ll face it with me.  In the waiting,  He speaks..He tells me how much He loves me, how He knew me before I was born- He shows me His hands…and feet..and side…all evidences of His love and also His suffering along with me.  He suffers with me because He has known me & been with me- all along.  My past, all known. I don’t have to find words to explain what happened- He knows.  My present, all known.  I don’t have to try and prove who I am, I don’t need to be some one for Him- I don’t have to change hats from mother, to wife, to friend, to daughter, to employee..I can simply be myself.  And that Self…He knows. He loves.  He accepts just the way I am.  My future, all known.  In learning all this love for me- past and present..to really experiencing first hand the kindness of God, the Compassion of God, the Joy of God, the deep deep love of God- for me…I am starting to trust Him with my future in REAL ways.  Guys, I have been a Christian, walking with Jesus for close to 10 years now.  I am now just starting to truly believe what I have always known about Him.  It’s changing my life in ways that beachbody, herbal life, yoga, exercise, diet, shopping, money, sleeping, coffee (yes, seriously- and coffee is pretty darn amazing, you know this Moms) fill in the blank to whatever you think is gonna make you happy, whole, complete, the “way it should be”…because living KNOWN and LOVED completely is what true living is.  No one is going to know you the way Your Creator does…and because of that no one can ever love you in the same complete and honest way Jesus (God, Your Creator came down in human flesh living a life of perfection and dying in your place, taking on every single thing you did apart from Him- so NOTHING can separate you from Him and all that love He has for YOU) does…it’s life changing and it’s worth mentioning.

So I have a lot of things still to face.  I don’t know what kind of long process this will be- or if all the “work” I’ve been doing outside of our sessions will speed the process up.  I went into therapy so I could find some balance in my life…what I found was the Love of my Life. And as for my husband and our marriage…what truly could have torn us apart is bringing us together slowly but surely.  Both of us get to face all the things we’ve trusted, believed in and loved more than than the One who loved us first and fully….we get to find our way- The Way, truly together…with bumps of imperfection along the way- but both with the same goal of finding Life – abundant, being fully known and fully loved- life.  We’ve looked to each other for so much more than either of us could handle or supply..we’ve found our never ending Spring of Life that is full of EVERYTHING we need, we don’t have to drain ourselves or each other to get needs met…we are learning to live loved.

Motherhood Week 15- Coupons, Sales & Reflecting on What Matters

Coupons & Sales. I have been made a believer. Before little Elliot arrived I couldn’t be bothered with coupons, shopping sales or keeping track of when my CVS Extra bucks expired. Most of the time I’d just try and get a free candy bar or something rather than sit down and figure out how I could best spend this “free” money on necessity items. Today, I actually sit down and plan out where and when I will shop according to who has the best deals. Who am I?
I definitely am not even close to an “extreme couponer” but I feel as though I am becoming more aware of sales & how to score better deals on the things we buy all the time…and just how to spend less in general. I feel like I had to really get better at this, not just so we could keep a roof over our head & food on the table (although, yes- those are certainly good reasons to become better with spending) but more so we didn’t use all the money we had solely on ourselves and our expenses…because that’s a really easy thing to do and it’s easy to think (and let yourself believe) that’s ALL you can do when money gets tight.  I wasn’t planning for this post to get deep- but let’s be honest, I don’t plan much of anything that happens in my life.  I wouldn’t have planned for my husband to lose his job right when bills and expenses are climbing and we have a whole other human to worry about- but he did…and oddly enough I find myself thankful for that.
There’s a story in the Bible where Jesus is looking on as people are placing their offerings into the offering box. He observes a poor widow who placed an equivalent of a couple pennies into the box…this act Jesus looked at and said, “The truth is that this poor widow gave more to the collection than all the others put together. All the others gave what they’ll never miss; she gave extravagantly what she couldn’t afford—she gave her all.” I feel like I had heard this before and never could connect with it…until recently. First, I am not poor by any means…I would never claim poverty when there are actually people who are in it. I do have less that what I used to- less money coming in and more money going out. Because of this something has changed in me- and that’s where I put my trust & also what I value. I want to live like that widow- to be so fully dependent on God that I CAN give away my last 2 pennies. Am I there yet? NO. Not even close- but I feel closer today than I ever have. Those pennies I am learning really aren’t mine, they are His. I didn’t earn them…I was given them, not to hold onto but to give back.
Money is something that is SOOOO amazing. It really is. It’s better than a card reader, fortune teller, or even best friend- cause even though these people claim to be able to tell you things about yourself you didn’t know, money shows you something NOTHING else can- your heart. Yeah. Money is the one thing most of us feel is “ours”- something we earn and deserve to keep or do with what we please. We complain about taxes, about the programs, about wasteful government spending- but how often do I look at my own? Um, never. It’s MY money to waste- right? Wrong. This is what I am starting to realize- and starting to actually believe. It’s quite liberating actually. Although our financial burdens are heavier than ever- we don’t feel the weight. We don’t feel the weight cause we’re not carrying it- like the widow, we’ve been tossing those heavy, burdensome pennies to God. We want Him to decide where that money goes and what it’s used for. Although we aren’t actually giving our last pennies to an offering plate- we’ve started to change our view on what we “need” and that in turn frees us to give more of what we have been given- and giving brings us a deep sense of joy and contentment.
Today I am thankful for Elliot- our little financial burden bringing bundle of joy…and all the life lessons we’ll learn because of him. ❤

Week 36, Day 2- God Actually Trusted Us to Take Care of Him?

Yeah, this is going to be about God- and pregnancy- and motherhood.  Lately I have been feeling spiritually low- I go through highs and lows with God, just as I would in any relationship I guess.  I struggle with how I spend my time- and who or what I place above Him.  At the beginning of my pregnancy I thought “wow, what an opportunity to really grow closer to God!  I will no doubt need Him every day”. You  see every time I have ever needed Him, like REALLY felt like I had no other choice but to rely on Him and place it all in His hands- it’s actually turned out to be quite an awesome experience and I want that kind of reminder all the time (or I say I do anyways)…

So how has my relationship with God grown and flourished over these past 9 months?  It hasn’t- at least not that I can see or feel at the moment.  The time I used to take to read scripture or devotionals daily has been replaced with reading about pregnancy or Googling my latest symptom.  The time I would take to just sit and be with God is replaced with laziness- I still sit, but my mind is more on the TV and just trying to zone out.  My morning worship sessions (yeah, I am a crazy awesome car singer- totally get into it ;-)) are now phone calls to my sister- wanting to talk about pregnancy stuff…it’s left me empty really and totally wanting MORE God, MORE Jesus, MORE of everything Him!  I’ve gone through this before and no doubt He is teaching me in these moments and speaking to me.  He hasn’t left me in the way I have left Him…Thank God!  So today I started looking up some Bible verses on pregnancy (I can’t let go of the pregnancy stuff..let’s be real)- my friend had written a card for me with Ecclesiastes 11:5 “Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.” written on the front- it lit a much needed spark inside to look for more verses like these.  Yay for God placing these little things in my path!  So I did just that- thanks Google, you are good to me sometimes and don’t totally suck.
So I started reading verses…some were similar to this- just the mystery of how God creates life..and is intimately involved in it all- and then some others that are pretty straight forward talking about kids popping out of wombs and such.  I tried to simply take it all in and see what God wanted to show me.  And then POW it hit me- I came to the point of Jesus’ conception, being inside His mother’s womb, and His birth.  I stopped and pondered- Did God really came down to us in the form of a baby….helpless and totally and utterly dependent on humankind?  Sometimes I sit and worry if I will be a good mother, if I will know how to take care of my son…and then I thought God trusted a woman, a human with flaws, one who knew she needed God, who knew she needed a savior (which means- not perfect) to take care of HIM!  Wait, what?!  Yeah, if you believe Jesus is God- come to reveal Himself in a way only He could in human form…what can I learn right now knowing that Jesus placed HIS trust in us- His creation- to carry Him in a womb, to birth Him and then to take care of Him?  Maybe I worry too much about my abilities.  Jesus knew that God was with Mary- He knew God was with Him, it wasn’t that He trusted us with so much- but that He trusted God with everything…Yup, that’s it.  We make so much of our abilities- will we be able to’s- and forget God is with us, He’s with our babies- it’s not about us..it’s about Him.  When I wrap my mind around that- Peace comes in.

I wrote a post a few weeks past about how our little ones aren’t our own- and after writing I felt a great peace about my pregnancy, knowing what little control I do have over things pales in comparison to God’s plans and purposes….I actually feel at peace the more I let go of my need to control everything- to know everything..and trust that God is working in it all and will give me what I need to take care of my sweet little Elliot when he is here and even before, because He has plan and He will see it through.  I don’t have to obsess and Google everything…It would be more beneficial to myself and to Elliot for me simply to take a moment and be with God.  To gain peace FIRST before anything.  Don’t get me wrong- I am not going to breeze through this with out help of professionals and others who hold more wisdom than myself…but FIRST I need to remember where my trust is- and it should mirror where Jesus’ trust was if I am following Him- and that was always in God. 

These Little Ones Are Not Our Own

Warning: The video will most likely make you cry. I was in super serious, emotional, reflecting on life mode this morning and this may not be a “fun” post…but it’s what’s on my mind. My husband showed me this video a while ago- before we got pregnant, before we really talked about kids of our own. We would watch and just bawl our eyes out…and then talk about how beautiful this whole thing is. How beautiful that little boy is, how beautiful his parents are- and how perfectly their love is displayed through the care of their child. How awesomely THIS reflects the Kingdom of God here and now- THIS is how Jesus flips it all upside down. The weak, the poor, the lame- the unwanted (think of how many babies are aborted because of this disease) they are LOVED, they are WANTED, they are VALUABLE and PRECIOUS…they are not “ours” but HIS…THIS is how He sees them, as a JOY to take care of, to clothe, to feed- to wake up at ungodly hours and just be with them…so proud of every accomplishment they make- so happy for each moment He spends with His children….I watch this video and gain SO much.

I hope to remember that MY Elliot is a gift. He’s not “mine”- I did not REALLY make him. I didn’t create life, I just housed it. His life is precious and valued by His creator. God gave me this AWESOME responsibility to love Him as He loves Him. To care for Him as He cares for Him. To not complain when I am woken up every two hours- to enjoy it, to bask in it, to treasure those moments of when I get to reflect God’s care and compassion to my son by sacrificing essentially my life/ my body for his just as He did for us in Jesus. To know that Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice is what gives me new life- it enables me to love as He loves. To have joy in all things- even the sleep deprived feedings and messy diaper changes and whatever else may feel like an inconvenience at times. I have the chance to care for God’s child, not my child. I think sometimes of how I treat “my things” as opposed to something some one lets me borrow…and to be honest I seem to value & care for some one else’s things more than my own. I don’t know why- I just do. So to remember that Elliot isn’t mine- he’s given to me to care for here and now…the best that I can.

I had read another Mommy’s blog yesterday and it broke my heart (as these posts do)- she had a miscarriage. It made me realize even more the frailty of life and how quickly it comes and sometimes how quickly it seems to go. With out warning, seemingly with out cause or reason….we don’t know all the answers because we don’t create life. Life does not belong to us- or is owed to us. It is given to us- to cherish, to care for, to love deeply and to live in a way to bring glory to God, to make Him known…He is known through the hardships, through messy lives transformed or a life simply cared for by another, through little babies like Eliot who come into this world with all odds against him…his story wasn’t one that the world may see as victorious..many would probably say “He lost his battle”- but no, in fact he won…in his life he knew NOTHING but love, he was valued. His parents perfectly cared for him and were joyed to do so. They saw the value of this little life- the same value that we all in fact have…whether we made it outside the womb for a day, 99 days- 99 years or never at all. We are all little Eliots in God’s eyes…we all are loved and cared for deeply..we are all His joys and just as I am sure Eliot’s parents hope that he knows them and their love for him now where he is…so it is with our Creator.

Again, this was a rambling probably all over the place post- but I was just filled with so much love for my little guy this morning…I thought of this video, this baby and this family and had to share. I hope and pray that I will be able to see every moment with my Elliot as these parent’s saw theirs with their son….they knew there was a great possibility that their time would be short- and they treasured every moment. None of us have the luxury of knowing how many moments we will have with our sons or daughters…healthy or not. Again, I pray that I remember the frailty of life and how precious each and every breath that my son takes is- to remember to show him the love of the One who created Him, who knew him before he even came into existence, who planned him with purpose…to remember my life is not my own- and neither is his. I don’t have control of when it started or how it will end- but I do have the ability to care for it in a way that I know he deserves because he is so precious, loved and valued by the One who gave him life.

Week 18, Day 4- A Little FutureMe Action

Have you heard of the website FutureMe.org?  I am in LOVE with it.  Basically you write letter to your Future Self and choose which day you will receive your email.  It can be either a couple months or a couple years..or MANY years into the future if you like.  The fun part is that you won’t be able to go back and read it until the site sends it to you.  Hopefully that explains what it is I am talking about. 

I read one of these emails today I had sent myself, written when I was only 7 weeks pregnant.  I used to be a big prayer journaler- almost daily.  I would write out my prayer which basically was me talking to God about all that was going on, my thoughts, my fears, my anxieties…I always enjoyed going back and re-reading my entries and seeing how the things I worried about turned out and the way my prayers were answered (which usually was in ways I would never imagine) and sometimes I would see I may still be waiting or never did get that answer I was expecting.  I haven’t written many entries in my journal over the past year or more, I don’t know why- I just don’t.  I DO however do some FutureMe emails which are always fun to get and look back on and see where I was in the past and where I am now.  Thought I would share the one I wrote at 7 Weeks- when everything was so new and unsure.

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Dear FutureMe,
I am a little reluctant right now to write this- I don’t believe in luck or jinxing things, but some how it’s always very hard for me to speak of things that are in the future- I am always afraid that they won’t come to pass and my excitement some how is foolish. If everything is going along as I pray it will- you are officially over the First Trimester! Woo hoo! You have been pretty worried these past few weeks- not losing sleep worried, but just general “what if” worried. Having no symptoms at 7 weeks makes you wonder “am I even pregnant?” But hopefully you are and hopefully you never did have to experience the morning sickness and fatigue everyone talks about.
Right now you feel like this will take an eternity- and when you really stop and think of everything you have to do- I guess it’s ok to have some time. It’s crazy to think that something is already here with me that will and has already changed my life forever- yet I can feel as though nothing is different at this very moment.
By this time you’ve already had your fist doctor appt which some how I am sensing will be really disappointing. So many get ultrasounds and heart beat checks and you have a strange feeling you’ll get neither. Hopefully by now you’ve heard a heart beat. Maybe the first Ultrasound will be when you find out if the little one is a boy or girl- that will be a fun day. It’s so weird talking like this cause I feel like I shouldn’t. Not until I have a belly and can feel a baby moving. Why didn’t God put a little window on your tummy to see inside?

Mostly I wanted to write out a prayer for me now and then.

Dear God,thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for the child you created inside of me. I pray that you would take away my worry. I pray that I would trust you today- and tomorrow in all of this. I pray that this first trimester would go smoothly with out complication and the second would also follow suit. I pray that you would guide me as I take care of this little one by taking care of my body. Lord, I pray that I do grow closer to you now I feel like my mind can take me so far from you. I want to go to you first. You who hold EVERYTHING in your hand. Please be with me today in whatever it is that I am doing.
Amen

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I love seeing how worried and sure I was that I wasn’t going to hear the heartbeat at my first appointment, or have to wait to see the baby until the anatomy scan- I got both on my very first appointment!  It just shows that sometimes, maybe most- the things we worry will happen, won’t.  When we worry we feel like we are doing SOMETHING (I can’t control if I hear a heart beat, but I can worry about it)…and we always want to be doing something right?   Hoping my “something” going forward will be prayer and reliance on the One who has never failed me to date…Jesus.  Why worry when it doesn’t change outcomes- it only takes away from enjoying the moments we can control (kinda) the moments we are in right NOW…the moments we can choose to be thankful & grow closer to God.

Week 17, Day 2- When A Friend Loses Her Baby

I found out Monday night that my friend had a miscarriage.  I can’t explain the sadness I feel for her and her husband and to be honest a twinge of guilt.  I know I am in no way to blame for her miscarriage- or even sadness.  But I keep wondering, “Why did this happen?” When she told me she was pregnant I was OVER THE MOON happy for her, a baby is ALWAYS good news.  Of course also selfishly I was looking forward to having a friend who I could share this experience with and have play dates and all that fun stuff.  With out going into great detail of her personal life- this was news that was exciting- unexpected- and seemed like God had some awesome plan for all of it.  And I guess even in loss, He still does.  It’s hard to remember that though when you know your friend is in so much pain and wondering more so than me…”why?”  These questions I don’t think can ever be answered confidently here and now, we can make guesses but I think we generally get it wrong.  When I heard she was pregnant I thought I had all the answers as to why God was blessing her with a pregnancy now instead of a year ago when they were trying.  Now, I can see I didn’t really know anything.  I am trying to put my trust in Him, His timing and His love- just as I know my friends are doing the same.  I know they will come out with a faith that is stronger than ever because of this, but before that happens I know they must grieve and ask the questions everyone does- waiting for answers they may never get.

So what do I do?  What can I do?  Be there.  Let her know I love her and am here whenever and what ever she needs.  The girls from our church group will bring them meals this week.  Food, it always seems to be our “Go To” when we feel like there’s nothing we can do.  We need food to sustain us, to keep us going.  Recently we read John 6 together.  Mostly what I gained from this was “sustenance”  The theme of “bread” (feeding the 5,000) and Jesus being our “bread of life” – it was all there.  Even learning that same week that Bethlehem, the town in which Jesus was born, actually meant “House of Bread”  Sounds like God is trying to tell us something.  So as much as we need food to keep us going, which every pregnant lady is very aware of this- we need more.  Our bodies may be thriving but we need more to sustain our spirits.  I hope in this time and season in my friend’s life I can demonstrate the “more” I am talking about and rely on the One who IS the Bread of Life.