Motherhood-1 year 11 Months

HOW OLD IS ELLIOT: 23 months

TODDLER THIS WEEK/MONTH: NEW Words– Oh gosh, too much to keep up with. He loves singing which is just about the sweetest thing and praying too. He squeezes his eyes really tight and mumbles- says a name- mumbles some more- another name and a big “A-Meeeeen” NEW Things he does: Asks for desserts for every meal- takes after his mother. Favorite books: Barney Book, Ernie Book Stats:30 lbs, Size 5 diaper- clothes 24 months- 2T. Obsessions: Elmo…still – any friend we have over..mostly Ryan and Mark.

PURCHASES: Diapers. Wipes. As always

SLEEP: He’s a through the nighter- bed time is around 7:30 and now wakes up at 7:30- Praise the Lord! Some more sleep finally!!!

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK/MONTH:So many good times- loving what God is doing all around us…

WHAT I MISS: Nothing. I am loving each and every day and taking each moment as it comes. No looking back and no looking forward (trying anyways)- I don’t want to miss a thing!

WHAT I LOVE: New life of Love and the one who calmed my storms and healed every broken part of me- I found my treasure, His name is Jesus…and He is so good. Rest. Taking it whenever I need it- no guilt no shame. (I am not sure this answer will change!)

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Motherhood 1 year 10 mos- Just one of those Update thingys

HOW OLD IS ELLIOT: 22 months

TODDLER THIS WEEK/MONTH: NEW Words– at this point he can say anything.  He’s into multiple word phrases which got me excited and sad all at once..the baby is definitely gone.  “See you Monday” is his new “good bye…to everyone- even if he won’t be seeing them Monday (this is a phrase Papa says to him on Wednesdays).  Says “Thank you” and “Please” <– have to remind him on that one.  Can now say “Elmo” instead of Melmo.   NEW Things he does: He is DEATHLY afraid of windshield wipers- it took us a couple times to realize that is what he was freaking out about. I have never seen him so scared- like terrified. It was sad- but we feel we were able to get him used to it after some coaching and singing “the wipers on the bus go swish swish swish” as we did it.  Favorite books: Little Critter “Just me and my little brother” book..He calls it “the brother book”  Stats:30 lbs, Size 5 diaper- clothes 24 months- 2T. Obsessions: Elmo.  That’s pretty much it.  Cookies too I guess.

PURCHASES: Diapers. Wipes. As always

SLEEP: He’s a through the nighter more often than not- if he does wake its around 5 for lack of binky…7:30-6:30 is the general bed time/wake up

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK/MONTH:Jon’s parents gave us use of a timeshare in the Cape!  Jon and I had our first night EVER alone since Elliot was born – on my Birthday!  So awesome. We also brought the kids up for a night to swim at the pool and went to the Inflatable Park…both had a blast.  So much fun this months has been already!

WHAT I MISS: Nothing. I am loving each and every day and taking each moment as it comes.  No looking back and no looking forward (trying anyways)- I don’t want to miss a thing!

WHAT I LOVE: New life of Love and the one who calmed my storms and healed every broken part of me- I found my treasure, His name is Jesus…and He is so good.  Rest.  Taking it whenever I need it- no guilt no shame.

Being Known.

This is more of a random post than my usuals- just some thoughts I’ve been having with some vague “what’s been going on” mixed in.

Back in September I posted another “vague”ish post about being in storms- coming out, going into and being in them. September was the month I entered therapy….and I am so thankful I did. I could write a whole other blog about that and what I have found and what I am discovering…some of it completely liberating- and some has also been completely debilitating (in this moment of time). I went in, in September seeking an outlet- a place to help with the feeling of being “overwhelmed” – and it HAS become a place of solace, a space for “me” and me alone which I desperately needed…and it’s also been a place of complete un-doing….it’s turned my life seemingly upside down in many ways. It’s not that therapy has uncovered something and after that uncovering it’s effected my life- it’s seeing how this thing, now uncovered & being faced- how IT has been this thing always scratching it’s way to the surface, invading areas- particularly my marriage- but also my view of myself, God, my parents, my sister, my friends, my past…vagueness on the “it” I know- but none the less “it” is a real thing, maybe a number of things..I don’t even know ALL of “it” to be quite honest with you.

So having faced a lot already I can honestly say the past couple months in particular have been the hardest in my marriage to date.  I’d say “life” but, that’s not true at all.  Having my marriage, a place of seeming security- be invaded…to feel torn open, vulnerable and bare …and wish the other person simply KNEW you, all of you.  Who you are, what you’ve been through, your thoughts, feelings, hopes- and in that knowing could then be a source of complete compassion…to bind your wounds to heal them with their love some how.  This need I had – to be fully known and fully loved was a real NEED I have…except I was totally looking in the wrong place.  Jesus. Really. Is. The. Answer.  Yeah, it’s gonna be one of those posts.

It’s true, in the face of suffering- complete chaos and confusion- and a ton of unknowns and “I can’t do this”‘s He has come to my rescue.. EVERY.TIME.  With out fail, He’s there- He scoops me up, puts me in a safe place…and waits with me until I feel like it’s ok to emerge and face the “it”- and He’ll face it with me.  In the waiting,  He speaks..He tells me how much He loves me, how He knew me before I was born- He shows me His hands…and feet..and side…all evidences of His love and also His suffering along with me.  He suffers with me because He has known me & been with me- all along.  My past, all known. I don’t have to find words to explain what happened- He knows.  My present, all known.  I don’t have to try and prove who I am, I don’t need to be some one for Him- I don’t have to change hats from mother, to wife, to friend, to daughter, to employee..I can simply be myself.  And that Self…He knows. He loves.  He accepts just the way I am.  My future, all known.  In learning all this love for me- past and present..to really experiencing first hand the kindness of God, the Compassion of God, the Joy of God, the deep deep love of God- for me…I am starting to trust Him with my future in REAL ways.  Guys, I have been a Christian, walking with Jesus for close to 10 years now.  I am now just starting to truly believe what I have always known about Him.  It’s changing my life in ways that beachbody, herbal life, yoga, exercise, diet, shopping, money, sleeping, coffee (yes, seriously- and coffee is pretty darn amazing, you know this Moms) fill in the blank to whatever you think is gonna make you happy, whole, complete, the “way it should be”…because living KNOWN and LOVED completely is what true living is.  No one is going to know you the way Your Creator does…and because of that no one can ever love you in the same complete and honest way Jesus (God, Your Creator came down in human flesh living a life of perfection and dying in your place, taking on every single thing you did apart from Him- so NOTHING can separate you from Him and all that love He has for YOU) does…it’s life changing and it’s worth mentioning.

So I have a lot of things still to face.  I don’t know what kind of long process this will be- or if all the “work” I’ve been doing outside of our sessions will speed the process up.  I went into therapy so I could find some balance in my life…what I found was the Love of my Life. And as for my husband and our marriage…what truly could have torn us apart is bringing us together slowly but surely.  Both of us get to face all the things we’ve trusted, believed in and loved more than than the One who loved us first and fully….we get to find our way- The Way, truly together…with bumps of imperfection along the way- but both with the same goal of finding Life – abundant, being fully known and fully loved- life.  We’ve looked to each other for so much more than either of us could handle or supply..we’ve found our never ending Spring of Life that is full of EVERYTHING we need, we don’t have to drain ourselves or each other to get needs met…we are learning to live loved.

Motherhood 20 months- Just One of Those Update Thingys

HOW OLD IS ELLIOT: 20 months and a couple weeks.  I hate counting the months…

TODDLER THIS WEEK/MONTH: NEW Words (that he tries to say): Too many- He has to have well over 50 words (my mom thinks 100) either way, it’s too many to keep track of at the moment.  By favorites are “elphant”(Elephant), “shoulders” when he wants to be up high, “crub” (Crib- where his “ginky” stays (this is his binky and blanky…) today he actually referred to a blueberry AS a BLUEberry- not just berry which is what he would call blueberries and strawberries..it kind of came out of no where.  He said “penis” the other day as I was changing his diaper- I look forward for that word to be coming out of no where, like in the middle of a quiet church service one day.   NEW Things he does:Walks backwards…funniest and cutest thing.  He loves it- thinks he’s awesome and hilarious as he’s doing it..and he is.  Also he can climb down stairs all on his own with out killing himself…this happened by accident and won’t happen again for a while..Nice to know it’s possible for him though.   Favorite books: I haven’t been great with the books- he reads a ton with my mom and dad and loves animals books  Stats:30 lbs, Size 5 diaper- clothes 24 months- 2T. Obsessions: Elmo (Melmo as he calls it), Dad’s hat, being on Dad’s shoulders- going under my legs as if I was on his shoulders, brushing his teeth  (which he calls “peace”)

PURCHASES:  Diapers. Wipes. Wish I had something a little more exciting- oh, Old Navy flip flops..I hope he can wear them!

SLEEP: Bed around 7- can usually last till 8-8:30 if we need…wakes up around 6:30.  Has a 3 hour nap if he was up “late” sometime before noon..or generally a 2 hour nap once in the day…sometimes he’ll sneak another one in.  Generally an AWESOME sleeper.

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK/MONTH: Our friend Mark is staying with us until he finds a new apartment. Elliot LOVES Mark- who he calls “Gark”  or “Nark” and Mark LOVES Elliot so this has given Momma a much appreciated break and Mom and Dad are happy to go out on some more “alone time” dates.  THANK YOU GOD!

WHAT I MISS: I don’t even know- I’ve come to be content with a lot..at times I “wish” I could not be carrying a 30 lb toddler up and down our 25 steep steps every day..but then I think if I NEVER had to carry him, I would miss that!  He can walk up stairs with help, but that also means we have to leave the house 10 minutes earlier..lol.  It happens, but not often.

WHAT I LOVE: What a little sponge Elliot is- he knows so much and understands so much..It’s crazy!

Motherhood 17 Months- Just one of Those Update Thingys

HOW OLD IS ELLIOT: 17 Months and 1 week

BABY THIS WEEK/MONTH: NEW Words (that he tries to say): Hard to keep up with the new ones…- Apple, waffle, Bible, Hot Sauce is “Sah Sah”, ball, Jacket, nice, no no (cute now, later I am sure it won’t be), dude, book, shoe NEW Things he does:High fives and knuckles (unsure if I wrote this before), CLIMBS OUT OF CRIB!  He’ll be permanently wearing a sleep sack to prevent this, he is VERY clingy to me and cries if I leave the room to go to the bathroom- which brings me to his new curiosity of watching people pee.    Favorite books: Confession: I have been terrible with reading to him lately…I read whatever is closest to me usually! Stats:26 lbs, Size 5 diaper- clothes 12-18 months.- gonna bring out some 24 mos stuff soon- especially onesies & shirts, his pants can be either 12 or 18 mos depending on the brand

PURCHASES:  Diapers. Wipes.

SLEEP: (same) Goes to bed around 6:30-7- is tending to wake up once in the middle of the night and then maybe again TOO early, like 5:45 and he’ll usually be quiet till 6:30 when I go in and grab him.  **new thing** doesn’t ALWAYS cry when he wakes up- there are times when I hear him babbling and can make it in there before he does.  I would say over all- he’s a good sleeper (naps at least once 2-3 hours…sometimes a 2nd nap, but I think that is phasing out)

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK/MONTH: Going to visit Grammie and Grampie and all our VA fam over Thanksgiving!

WHAT I MISS: I miss having weekend mornings to be lazy…hubby is working A LOT…which includes some REALLY late nights and overnights..not feeling it.

WHAT I LOVE: When Elliot learns something new or does something we ask like “go get Dad’s shoes”- it always amazes me what he knows!

Motherhood 16 Months- Just one of those Update Thingys

HOW OLD IS ELLIOT: 16 Months old- and a day

BABY THIS WEEK/MONTH: NEW Words (that he tries to say): He is saying so many words- I am surprised every day with something new it seems- car (with the perfect Boston accent (CAH)), truck, keys, cheese, help, Cracker (crack-coo), up, nigh nigh, Papa, Nana, Mama, Dada, hot, kitty (doggy and pancake still)  NEW Things he does: Hugs me when I am crouched on the floor- runs up behind me and gives me a big bear hug and almost knocks me over!  Also loves to give the dogs hugs- he is so good with them, it’s a shame we are looking for a new home for them  Favorite books: Little Critter books- Me and My Little Brother and Just Me and My Dad & an Alphabet Book  Stats:26 lbs, Size 5 diaper- clothes 12-18 months.

PURCHASES:  Diapers.

SLEEP: (same) Goes to bed around 6:30-7- is tending to wake up once in the middle of the night and then maybe again TOO early, like 5:45 and he’ll usually be quiet till 6:30 when I go in and grab him.  Still wakes up and cries…I can’t wait for him to just be able to say “Mom, get me out of here”

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK/MONTH: We enjoyed Halloween- He was a monkey and had a BLAST running down the street in the dark (sounds unsafe- I promise you I was right next to him)…also loved taking candy out of bowls and putting it in his pumpkin bowl

WHAT I MISS: I miss some “old” normals- like quiet times whenever I wanted, being able to buy things and not worry if we’ll have enough money or have to borrow more, actually putting effort into the way I look (it was always low maintenance- but now I have taken it to a new level of low I feel),

WHAT I LOVE: Seeing Elliot’s personality blossom- hearing Elliot and my husband “hang out”, makes me smile