This is more of a random post than my usuals- just some thoughts I’ve been having with some vague “what’s been going on” mixed in.
Back in September I posted another “vague”ish post about being in storms- coming out, going into and being in them. September was the month I entered therapy….and I am so thankful I did. I could write a whole other blog about that and what I have found and what I am discovering…some of it completely liberating- and some has also been completely debilitating (in this moment of time). I went in, in September seeking an outlet- a place to help with the feeling of being “overwhelmed” – and it HAS become a place of solace, a space for “me” and me alone which I desperately needed…and it’s also been a place of complete un-doing….it’s turned my life seemingly upside down in many ways. It’s not that therapy has uncovered something and after that uncovering it’s effected my life- it’s seeing how this thing, now uncovered & being faced- how IT has been this thing always scratching it’s way to the surface, invading areas- particularly my marriage- but also my view of myself, God, my parents, my sister, my friends, my past…vagueness on the “it” I know- but none the less “it” is a real thing, maybe a number of things..I don’t even know ALL of “it” to be quite honest with you.
So having faced a lot already I can honestly say the past couple months in particular have been the hardest in my marriage to date. I’d say “life” but, that’s not true at all. Having my marriage, a place of seeming security- be invaded…to feel torn open, vulnerable and bare …and wish the other person simply KNEW you, all of you. Who you are, what you’ve been through, your thoughts, feelings, hopes- and in that knowing could then be a source of complete compassion…to bind your wounds to heal them with their love some how. This need I had – to be fully known and fully loved was a real NEED I have…except I was totally looking in the wrong place. Jesus. Really. Is. The. Answer. Yeah, it’s gonna be one of those posts.
It’s true, in the face of suffering- complete chaos and confusion- and a ton of unknowns and “I can’t do this”‘s He has come to my rescue.. EVERY.TIME. With out fail, He’s there- He scoops me up, puts me in a safe place…and waits with me until I feel like it’s ok to emerge and face the “it”- and He’ll face it with me. In the waiting, He speaks..He tells me how much He loves me, how He knew me before I was born- He shows me His hands…and feet..and side…all evidences of His love and also His suffering along with me. He suffers with me because He has known me & been with me- all along. My past, all known. I don’t have to find words to explain what happened- He knows. My present, all known. I don’t have to try and prove who I am, I don’t need to be some one for Him- I don’t have to change hats from mother, to wife, to friend, to daughter, to employee..I can simply be myself. And that Self…He knows. He loves. He accepts just the way I am. My future, all known. In learning all this love for me- past and present..to really experiencing first hand the kindness of God, the Compassion of God, the Joy of God, the deep deep love of God- for me…I am starting to trust Him with my future in REAL ways. Guys, I have been a Christian, walking with Jesus for close to 10 years now. I am now just starting to truly believe what I have always known about Him. It’s changing my life in ways that beachbody, herbal life, yoga, exercise, diet, shopping, money, sleeping, coffee (yes, seriously- and coffee is pretty darn amazing, you know this Moms) fill in the blank to whatever you think is gonna make you happy, whole, complete, the “way it should be”…because living KNOWN and LOVED completely is what true living is. No one is going to know you the way Your Creator does…and because of that no one can ever love you in the same complete and honest way Jesus (God, Your Creator came down in human flesh living a life of perfection and dying in your place, taking on every single thing you did apart from Him- so NOTHING can separate you from Him and all that love He has for YOU) does…it’s life changing and it’s worth mentioning.
So I have a lot of things still to face. I don’t know what kind of long process this will be- or if all the “work” I’ve been doing outside of our sessions will speed the process up. I went into therapy so I could find some balance in my life…what I found was the Love of my Life. And as for my husband and our marriage…what truly could have torn us apart is bringing us together slowly but surely. Both of us get to face all the things we’ve trusted, believed in and loved more than than the One who loved us first and fully….we get to find our way- The Way, truly together…with bumps of imperfection along the way- but both with the same goal of finding Life – abundant, being fully known and fully loved- life. We’ve looked to each other for so much more than either of us could handle or supply..we’ve found our never ending Spring of Life that is full of EVERYTHING we need, we don’t have to drain ourselves or each other to get needs met…we are learning to live loved.