Motherhood- 1 Month Complete

It’s hard to believe it’s been a month, at times it seems like just yesterday Elliot joined us and others it seems like he has been with us forever. So what exactly has this first month brought us? Lack of sleep for one. Yes, I am “going there” first. I know it’s some thing to expect but no matter how much you tell yourself “I’m gonna lose sleep” it doesn’t make it any easier. I am some one who gets extremely moody when I have less than say 7 hours a night, so this month has also brought on some grouchiness in me. I’m not proud of it- but it’s reality.

Another thing that hasn’t agreed with me this month is breastfeeding. There were times where it seemed like Elliot ate ALL day and night and I was losing my mind. I cried for hours and felt like crap cause I HATED breastfeeding- in essence I hated feeding my child. There I said it. It’s true. I know people say how it is such a bonding experience but for me it’s been anything but that. All I’d want to do is feed him and then pass him off. I would see others interact with him and get jealous that they got to be with the “good” Elliot. After a lot of thought, many tears and feelings of guilt I have decided I am going to try and make it to 6 weeks and then switch to formula. I’ve been talking with other Moms who had a rough time as well and they have been very encouraging. In the end I think it will be a good thing for us both cause another thing the first month has brought….

Cranky baby! Oh my, this just started last week it seems and seems to be getting worse each day. Every feeding he seems in distress during and after- even more so. The poor kid is a gas machine and most likely has some sort of food intolerance or colic. I am hoping switching to a formula will be good for him- maybe I am doing the breastfeeding thing all wrong and bottles will be a good thing…I can only hope.

Sorry this post is a little on the negative side- it’s how I tend to feel lately (although this seems to be getting better each day). I know the first month is the hardest and I do look forward to these next couple weeks/months when things change. I’ve enjoyed this little newborn phase but have a feeling I’ll REALLY enjoy this next little chapter coming up. Already I can see him growing (the boy is probably pushing 11 lbs by now and is no longer in his NB clothes) and he’s starting to grab and really hang on to fingers, hair and articles of clothes. He’s cracked plenty of smiles but I have yet to see one that is without a doubt intentional…I REALLY look forward to that cause his smiles are the cutest. He’s already got some acne (talk about growing up quick! LOL)..I know it will fade soon and it’s normal, I find it pretty cute since it’s mostly on his cheeks and just makes him look rosey. His hair seems to be turning more red than blonde which I initially thought is was- never would I have thought I would have a red headed child, but it appears I just may. His eyes are still blue and I have a feeling those will stick too. He loves falling asleep to the “Elliot Song” that I made up for him before he was born…I love that I can (at times) make him fall asleep (at least for a short while) when no one else can…he responds to my voice in a way that he doesn’t for anyone else and that I just love.

As I watch him now, asleep in his Rock N Play, stirring- ready to eat….I am going to try and remember this moment knowing he’ll never be this little again and soon things will change for us and how he is fed. It will be bittersweet I am sure.

Happy 1 month, Elliot!! You’ve taught me so much about myself- good and bad. You are a joy to all who meet you and the cutest guy I know…I look forward to this next month with you. You are loved, little one.

Motherhood 3 weeks and some change- No One Did Ever Say it was Easy

So no one ever told me being a mom to a newborn was easy- yet I think I went into this thinking it would be. My pregnancy was a breeze..life in general goes pretty smooth for me, so why not motherhood? I feel as though these past 3 weeks have really humbled me- made me see that I am not truly in control and sometimes life is just hard. I need to say this now- I KNOW many people have it way worse than me I will feel silly after I have this little vent session knowing people would kill to be in my shoes…but this is where I am at and I am just trying to be honest.

I’ll just start off with my biggest love/hate relationship – Breastfeeding. Oh boy at times I wish my boobs would just fall off to make the decision to do this out of my control. Multiple times I have entertained the idea of saying “screw this” and buying formula and just letting my boobs go dry….and then I have extreme guilt for even thinking that and think of how many women “muscle” through this difficult first month and how I am quick to just say “I don’t even want to try”…I look at my son and think “I am so sorry you got stuck with me as your mother”…many tears have been shed over this..many. I still have yet to supplement and I don’t say that in a “hey, look at me and how good I am doing” way cause I would NEVER EVER tell anyone that pushing through insanity to breastfeed is the right choice- I don’t think there is a right or wrong when it comes to how you feed your child- whether it be breast or formula. I just know once I go one way it’s unlikely I could go back and I am not ready to give up breastfeeding just yet.

So why do I hate breast feeding so much? Many many reasons…feeling tied down to Elliot and a prisoner to my couch are the biggest. Elliot is not a fan of the nursing cover so it makes going anywhere extremely uncomfortable for me knowing I’ll either have to sneak away like I am ashamed of what I am doing or simply whip my boob out in front of people. Another reason is my boobs never feel “good” anymore..they are either tingly, engorged or just plain old sore. Putting on special bras, special pads and special shirts already feels old to me. And you may ask, “what about trying to pump” OH do I HATE when people ask that question, as if pumping would solve all my problems. I have tried pumping and I hate that even more, I feel like it’s so much work for just a little milk, the thought of feeding Elliot and THEN hooking myself up to the milk vacuum for another 15 minutes sounds like a waste of time…I like things to be quick and easy- and my time in between feedings feels so minimal. At times there is no time in between…you feed, burp, walk around, bounce and then just as he falls asleep you go to lie him down and he wakes up- angry. You repeat and then by the time he settles his stomach says “hey it’s been an hour and 1/2…feed me again!” I don’t really know what a 3 hour stretch looks like…and if I do it’s not 3 hours of “me” time it’s a couple hours of wondering if he’ll wake up in the usual hour and 1/2 so I don’t really get a whole lot done…I should say this- to be honest- my husband is still home with me and he is pretty much always here and willing to take Elliot from me…even with that I STILL feel like I am going (or have gone) insane. I am a wimp, I’ll just admit that now.

So is there anything I am enjoying? I do enjoy learning more about him everyday. It feels pretty good being able to say “oh he’s about to poop or have gas” – but even that stuff I don’t quite have down to a science. He is getting more alert and I love when he looks at me or his little hand rests against my arm, almost as if on purpose. I love the times when he’s passed off to me crying and it’s only my special touch that calms him down (this is not an every time thing- but when it does happen you better believe it makes me feel good again).

I do believe that pretty soon I am going to reach a turning point- breastfeeding will be better, he may be on some what of a schedule or at least be a little more predictable..we may find a “cure” for his gas and recent fussiness…and I may just be able to leave the house! I also think I’ll feel like less of a failure and more of a first time mother who really doesn’t have much or any of the answers…and I’ll be ok with that. I am hoping the turning point is coming soon.

Motherhood Day 15- With Highs Comes Lows

I had written a post about pregnancy and related it to a roller coaster- same goes for motherhood apparently. Is motherhood a word? The more I write it and say it in my head it sounds weird (maybe it’s the lack of sleep!). I am getting off track. Back to rollercoasters….

Yesterday I did some errands again and AGAIN felt on top of the world- I was super first time mom, I almost felt like it was “easy”. I had timed everything pretty well and made it home just in time to feed Elliot. But then the evening hit and he was fussy baby. I find the last resort I try is feeding him, especially if it’s been under 2 hours. I just figured babies last at least 2 hours in between feedings. Not true. Apparently, there is a little bit of a growth spurt week 2 and he was feeding every hour. Which means I had about 15- 20 minutes to do something for myself before he was back on the boob. That something for myself was a much needed nap. As soon as I would fall into that semi- deep sleep I’d be woken up to cries and my poor husband shrugging his shoulders saying he tried everything. Sure enough- food is what he wanted. I was miserable. I cried and cried- I cried cause I was tired, I cried cause I knew I was being short with my husband, I cried cause I didn’t know what to do. We talked about going out and getting formula…I called my sister who EBF her son. It helped talking to her, having her explain it’s all normal. The frequent feedings, the feeling of being overwhelmed, the sleep deprivation playing with your head and emotions- and hormones are STILL acting crazy. She said I could do it and get through it- and not to give up, it will turn around…but also let me know that I HAVE come so far and given him so much- if I felt I needed to supplement or switch to formula, then I should do it. Gosh I love that woman.

In the end I made it through the night- I was up every hour at first and then he had two 3 hour feedings in a row…I woke up still feeling emotional, but took a shower- blow dried my hair (something I haven’t done in MONTHS)- put on some make up and ate breakfast…slowly I got my sanity back. He’s been feeding every hour and 20 minutes like clock work, but some how the morning always brings me some peace. The light outside is helping and once again I am enjoying being a mom and feeding my boy. I just have a new appreciation for those who have “stuck it out” and also TOTAL sympathy and understanding for those who choose NOT to breastfeed, or to supplement. There’s no right answer as far as I am concerned and I am not totally ruling out formula in Elliot’s future. I look forward to the weeks ahead where everyone says “it gets better” cause if it gets worse….I am in for quite a lot of tears!

Motherhood Day 12- About Breastfeeding

After 12 LONG days of breastfeeding- here are my thoughts and maybe some advice. I am no expert but there are definitely some things I wish I knew ahead of time. A lot of what I learned was trial and error and I am sure it would have been that way even if I had every single piece of advice out there- you just have to experience and learn some things on your own I think.

First couple days were the worst as far as pain and routine- now at 1 1/2 weeks pain happens only at first latch, but it is still toe curling kind of pain… still manageable and as the day goes on it gets better. For about 2 days in the hospital I was breastfeeding with out the use of any nipple cream. BRING NIPPLE CREAM TO THE HOSPITAL! The lactation consultant told me my next child I would remember this blunder- and even use it BEFORE I go into labor. She’s right. Dry, cracked and bleeding is not words you want to describe one of the most sensitive parts of your body. There’s enough other things you have to worry about- your nips don’t need to be one of them. I ended up using Lanisoh Lanolin religiously..after the 2nd day..I would and still apply (for the most part) before & after feedings as well as before I get in the shower. It’s amazing how much water affects them! I also used a nipple shield three feedings in a row to give them a break- and my sanity depended on it. Also my son at times simply like to “suck to soothe”… I also gave in and started using a pacifier after he was done feeding and seemed fussy (this is maybe once or twice a day just to get him to sleep). It’s funny all the things I do that I “never would do” before I gave birth. It’s easy to say “I will never do that” when you aren’t faced with your nipples feeling like they are going to fall off. Don’t judge. My nipples are pretty normal again no cracks bleeding or dry, I am happy with the decisions I have made and Elliot is also happy too- none has seemed to affect his feeding.

Another thing I have learned was to have a station all set up where you will breast feed and make sure you have EVERYTHING you need before you start. At the beginning I’d hear him cry and would go into panic mode and simply run upstairs, whip out a boob and start feeding him. Then I’d realize I forgot my water- or cream..or something. Thankfully my husband has been home and with in ear shot- but if he wasn’t, I’d have to wait close to an hour to have whatever relief I was looking for. Oh and just go to the bathroom before…it’s not always worth the wait. So things to keep on hand: nipple cream, water, breast pads, receiving blankets to drape over you (protects you from a leaky milk mouth or leaky boob- maybe even a leaky diaper (this happened to me twice in a day!), a snack, phone, book- something to keep you occupied, pillow to prop your baby.. fan or AC (LIFESAVER!) – babies are HOT.

I’m not sure when I’ll ever be able to go out in public and breast feed-he flails his arms all around and switching him would be interesting even under a cover..I’ve practiced using it at home and it was not even close to helping. So for now I will try and time my comings and goings and hope I have at least two hours during the day in between feedings. Other Moms- does it get better??? Will I be able to master the cover?

Nighttime has gotten much better.. He seems to be feeding about 2 1/2 to 3 hours. And we occasionally get a close to four hour stretch. This seems like heaven compared to the first couple nights. I’m still pretty tired throughout the day- I can’t do naps.. So I rely on those hour and a half to two hours I get to sleep three times maybe a night. Around 5 PM I feel very tired and cranky and just like I’m done. Looking forward to a couple more months when maybe the night stretches will be longer…I hope so!

At this point we’re still changing diapers nonstop once before and once after every feeding sometimes one in between. Not sure if he should be in size one yet or not size one seem to fit, but they leave little marks on his thighs and makes me so sad. Maybe will try a size one today. (I tried size one- they look huge but I think it will help his little legs…after Googling, the leaking and red marks suggest Newborns are too small).

So far I feel like things have gone pretty well.. He’s only fussy when he’s hungry or when I wake him up and then were he realizes he’s hungry….Or when he is trying to poop or has gas (he actually gets this blank stare when it actually is happening- it’s pretty cute), or was about to projectile vomit. I wish I could see into his little tummy and know when he has all those air bubbles. I hear it gets better so I’m hoping sooner than later for his sake.