Week 37, Day 3- One of those Update Thingys (For ….AJ!)

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How Far Along: 37 weeks. This is it- the last month and I’ll have a February Baby. The plan is to be induced at 40 weeks (perks of being AMA). It’s a Leap Year so this kid could get gipped on Birthdays if born a day past due, we’ll see.

Baby This Week: 19 inches 6.5 lbs (according to an app) the size of a Doc Marten Boot! One thing I did find out was that this kid’s head is in the 90th percentile. Oh sweet baby jesus- save my lady parts please!!!

My weight gain: So as of now I am about an even 40 lbs. Looks like I’ve kind of plateaued which is good- I really hope I can keep it here. I can’t eat too much at one sitting.

Purchases/Things done to prepare: I think we have it all. I just went to Khols and walked in right in the middle of baby clearance!! I couldn’t help myself and got a couple outfits (even though I have plenty). I am a sucker for anything that says “Little Brother” – We also went to Costco and I loaded up on some snacks and juice boxes for Elliot- Oreos..for me and Toilet Paper for us all. What I really wanted was to check out prices for diapers and formula (NOT breastfeeding this time around) and also adult diapers for that lovely post partum never ending 6 week period.

Sleep: So I am still sleeping, but it is interrupted by turning every half hour or so cause of my hips hurting – or going to the bathroom every hour. I can fall back asleep pretty easily so I feel well rested in the mornings.

Food: Getting full fast- sweets..cookies, Danish, candy..whatever has sugar I’ll eat it. I’ve really enjoyed cereal this pregnancy as well. I do eat some healthy things- but nothing that seems exciting enough to share.

Symptoms/Signs of Labor: Nothing really to speak of. I had some crazy Braxton Hicks a couple weeks ago and thought I was possibly in labor- but wasn’t. Otherwise I don’t feel like he’s dropped or is making any sort of evacuation plan.

Mood: Surprisingly good. Actually this whole pregnancy I have had less depression/anxiety/mood swings then I have in the past 5 years. I do suspect a lot of my mental health problems are directly related to hormones and will look into all that once this babe is here and we’re all settled.

Movement: So much movement. I have an anterior placenta so it was hard to initially feel him moving/kicking but he has sure made up for that and is just stretching out like crazy. My stomach looks possessed most of the day.

What I miss: Hmmm, I have missed Sushi- an occasional drink- smoking and laughing like crazy with my husband (hey it’s legal where we are :-))- we still laugh but it’s just not the same level of silliness.

Looking forward to: The arrival of my second Son!! His name is Arthur James after my grandfather- we’ll call him AJ most likely. Most days it seems a bit surreal. Like I know there is this thing inside me that’s moving all around- I am going to Doctors all the time and talking about “when I give birth” and yet it still seems like “am I really though??”…I do look forward to being a “new” mom once again BUT having experience. Elliot is simply THE BEST kid ever and I don’t doubt he will be such a big help and good big brother. He has by far been the best little gift- so much love and joy he brings it’s insane.

5 years later and Baby #2 on the way!

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First if anyone out there still remembers me- “Hello!” I have looked back quite a bit on my blog with Elliot’s pregnancy and re-read all the comments from WordPress friends and felt a little sad that I didn’t have quite the same experience this time. It was awesome going thru my first pregnancy with all you FTM’s…and now it looks like most are second or third time Mommma’s now! Life for me changed A LOT after Elliot. For one I had PPD for about a year after he was born. I never told anyone how I was feeling and just “toughed it out” it really took a toll on my mental health and things just didn’t get much better until I had a bit of a breakdown in late 2016. Lots of healing, lots of therapy, lots of drugs (well some, not lots) and I feel like I am in a new and better place – better than I ever was. I no longer pretend I am ok, I don’t try and cover up my hurt or sadness with Bible verses…I’m just done with all that and am just me. Take it or leave it. It feels good.

So back to the reason I have popped back on here- I am having another baby! Another boy (thrilled!!) and I have been feeling bad I haven’t written anything about it. I want to be able to look back on something again so here I am. I guess I’ll just give a quick run down of the first 9 mos…

Actually I am going to start a bit before that.

Somewhere around April 2019 I went to see a specialist in Boston that deals with maternal mental health- I was FINALLY at a point of feeling ready to plan baby #2 and I wanted to be sure I had every resource to keep myself and baby healthy. Living in one of the best areas for medicine is something I usually take for granted. So, my husband and I went to the appointment and was given a plan on what medicine to try and when. It felt good to have a plan and take steps. I was planning on officially trying in August- maybe shooting for a Summer baby once again- but there was just one of those times before where we weren’t careful and was like “if it happens it happens” and it happened. I found out I was pregnant right at the end of June…right before Elliot’s 5th Birthday.

I was excited- to not have to go through all the “trying” and tracking was nice. I didn’t have to think anymore if this was really something I wanted to go through again (sometimes I just don’t want the choice cause fear generally wins out)…my husband was extremely excited so it was all in all great timing.

First Trimester: Definitely different then Elliot. Elliot was the perfect pregnancy…no morning sickness, standard 25 lb weight gain, no symptoms/complications to speak of…this one a bit different, but really I have had it pretty good all things considered. I was pretty nauseous from week 6-14 I’d say. Never threw up, but sure as hell wanted to. I craved carbs like crazy and gave in..all the time. What baby wants right? I had some weird tinnitus thing going on for a bit…and I am sure a couple other things I am forgetting…

Second Trimester: No more nausea, cute bump, gaining weight a bit more then intended- I was going to the gym a couple times a week- just walking the treadmill but I figured this gave me free reign to eat like a cow- so I did. I made all the lists of things we needed – cause I got rid of Elliot’s things soon after he was done with it- mentally I just never thought I would do it again. THANKFULLY I feel like what goes around sometimes comes around and everything that I gave away- came back (well not the exact thing, but what we needed came ro us through friends and neighbors)..I think I bought $100 worth of stuff off Amazon to really complete what was needed. I’d say it was a win.

Third Trimester: Started off ok, and then got uncomfortable quick. My treadmill days were over, my carb eating game: still strong which has lead to a current weight gain of 40 LBS! Oof. I can’t believe the numbers I am seeing on the scale- BUT it’s ok…I shall survive and hopefully this is all water weight. There’s so may details I am forgetting- but I guess that’s the pregnancy in a nut shell. It’s been good.

So for now I hope to do a couple updates (literally due in less then 3 weeks!!) and have something to look back on to remember this time! Wish me luck if you’re reading 🙂

Motherhood-1 year 11 Months

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HOW OLD IS ELLIOT: 23 months

TODDLER THIS WEEK/MONTH: NEW Words– Oh gosh, too much to keep up with. He loves singing which is just about the sweetest thing and praying too. He squeezes his eyes really tight and mumbles- says a name- mumbles some more- another name and a big “A-Meeeeen” NEW Things he does: Asks for desserts for every meal- takes after his mother. Favorite books: Barney Book, Ernie Book Stats:30 lbs, Size 5 diaper- clothes 24 months- 2T. Obsessions: Elmo…still – any friend we have over..mostly Ryan and Mark.

PURCHASES: Diapers. Wipes. As always

SLEEP: He’s a through the nighter- bed time is around 7:30 and now wakes up at 7:30- Praise the Lord! Some more sleep finally!!!

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK/MONTH:So many good times- loving what God is doing all around us…

WHAT I MISS: Nothing. I am loving each and every day and taking each moment as it comes. No looking back and no looking forward (trying anyways)- I don’t want to miss a thing!

WHAT I LOVE: New life of Love and the one who calmed my storms and healed every broken part of me- I found my treasure, His name is Jesus…and He is so good. Rest. Taking it whenever I need it- no guilt no shame. (I am not sure this answer will change!)

Motherhood 1 year 10 mos- Just one of those Update thingys

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HOW OLD IS ELLIOT: 22 months

TODDLER THIS WEEK/MONTH: NEW Words– at this point he can say anything.  He’s into multiple word phrases which got me excited and sad all at once..the baby is definitely gone.  “See you Monday” is his new “good bye…to everyone- even if he won’t be seeing them Monday (this is a phrase Papa says to him on Wednesdays).  Says “Thank you” and “Please” <– have to remind him on that one.  Can now say “Elmo” instead of Melmo.   NEW Things he does: He is DEATHLY afraid of windshield wipers- it took us a couple times to realize that is what he was freaking out about. I have never seen him so scared- like terrified. It was sad- but we feel we were able to get him used to it after some coaching and singing “the wipers on the bus go swish swish swish” as we did it.  Favorite books: Little Critter “Just me and my little brother” book..He calls it “the brother book”  Stats:30 lbs, Size 5 diaper- clothes 24 months- 2T. Obsessions: Elmo.  That’s pretty much it.  Cookies too I guess.

PURCHASES: Diapers. Wipes. As always

SLEEP: He’s a through the nighter more often than not- if he does wake its around 5 for lack of binky…7:30-6:30 is the general bed time/wake up

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK/MONTH:Jon’s parents gave us use of a timeshare in the Cape!  Jon and I had our first night EVER alone since Elliot was born – on my Birthday!  So awesome. We also brought the kids up for a night to swim at the pool and went to the Inflatable Park…both had a blast.  So much fun this months has been already!

WHAT I MISS: Nothing. I am loving each and every day and taking each moment as it comes.  No looking back and no looking forward (trying anyways)- I don’t want to miss a thing!

WHAT I LOVE: New life of Love and the one who calmed my storms and healed every broken part of me- I found my treasure, His name is Jesus…and He is so good.  Rest.  Taking it whenever I need it- no guilt no shame.

Being Known.

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This is more of a random post than my usuals- just some thoughts I’ve been having with some vague “what’s been going on” mixed in.

Back in September I posted another “vague”ish post about being in storms- coming out, going into and being in them. September was the month I entered therapy….and I am so thankful I did. I could write a whole other blog about that and what I have found and what I am discovering…some of it completely liberating- and some has also been completely debilitating (in this moment of time). I went in, in September seeking an outlet- a place to help with the feeling of being “overwhelmed” – and it HAS become a place of solace, a space for “me” and me alone which I desperately needed…and it’s also been a place of complete un-doing….it’s turned my life seemingly upside down in many ways. It’s not that therapy has uncovered something and after that uncovering it’s effected my life- it’s seeing how this thing, now uncovered & being faced- how IT has been this thing always scratching it’s way to the surface, invading areas- particularly my marriage- but also my view of myself, God, my parents, my sister, my friends, my past…vagueness on the “it” I know- but none the less “it” is a real thing, maybe a number of things..I don’t even know ALL of “it” to be quite honest with you.

So having faced a lot already I can honestly say the past couple months in particular have been the hardest in my marriage to date.  I’d say “life” but, that’s not true at all.  Having my marriage, a place of seeming security- be invaded…to feel torn open, vulnerable and bare …and wish the other person simply KNEW you, all of you.  Who you are, what you’ve been through, your thoughts, feelings, hopes- and in that knowing could then be a source of complete compassion…to bind your wounds to heal them with their love some how.  This need I had – to be fully known and fully loved was a real NEED I have…except I was totally looking in the wrong place.  Jesus. Really. Is. The. Answer.  Yeah, it’s gonna be one of those posts.

It’s true, in the face of suffering- complete chaos and confusion- and a ton of unknowns and “I can’t do this”‘s He has come to my rescue.. EVERY.TIME.  With out fail, He’s there- He scoops me up, puts me in a safe place…and waits with me until I feel like it’s ok to emerge and face the “it”- and He’ll face it with me.  In the waiting,  He speaks..He tells me how much He loves me, how He knew me before I was born- He shows me His hands…and feet..and side…all evidences of His love and also His suffering along with me.  He suffers with me because He has known me & been with me- all along.  My past, all known. I don’t have to find words to explain what happened- He knows.  My present, all known.  I don’t have to try and prove who I am, I don’t need to be some one for Him- I don’t have to change hats from mother, to wife, to friend, to daughter, to employee..I can simply be myself.  And that Self…He knows. He loves.  He accepts just the way I am.  My future, all known.  In learning all this love for me- past and present..to really experiencing first hand the kindness of God, the Compassion of God, the Joy of God, the deep deep love of God- for me…I am starting to trust Him with my future in REAL ways.  Guys, I have been a Christian, walking with Jesus for close to 10 years now.  I am now just starting to truly believe what I have always known about Him.  It’s changing my life in ways that beachbody, herbal life, yoga, exercise, diet, shopping, money, sleeping, coffee (yes, seriously- and coffee is pretty darn amazing, you know this Moms) fill in the blank to whatever you think is gonna make you happy, whole, complete, the “way it should be”…because living KNOWN and LOVED completely is what true living is.  No one is going to know you the way Your Creator does…and because of that no one can ever love you in the same complete and honest way Jesus (God, Your Creator came down in human flesh living a life of perfection and dying in your place, taking on every single thing you did apart from Him- so NOTHING can separate you from Him and all that love He has for YOU) does…it’s life changing and it’s worth mentioning.

So I have a lot of things still to face.  I don’t know what kind of long process this will be- or if all the “work” I’ve been doing outside of our sessions will speed the process up.  I went into therapy so I could find some balance in my life…what I found was the Love of my Life. And as for my husband and our marriage…what truly could have torn us apart is bringing us together slowly but surely.  Both of us get to face all the things we’ve trusted, believed in and loved more than than the One who loved us first and fully….we get to find our way- The Way, truly together…with bumps of imperfection along the way- but both with the same goal of finding Life – abundant, being fully known and fully loved- life.  We’ve looked to each other for so much more than either of us could handle or supply..we’ve found our never ending Spring of Life that is full of EVERYTHING we need, we don’t have to drain ourselves or each other to get needs met…we are learning to live loved.

Motherhood 20 months- Just One of Those Update Thingys

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HOW OLD IS ELLIOT: 20 months and a couple weeks.  I hate counting the months…

TODDLER THIS WEEK/MONTH: NEW Words (that he tries to say): Too many- He has to have well over 50 words (my mom thinks 100) either way, it’s too many to keep track of at the moment.  By favorites are “elphant”(Elephant), “shoulders” when he wants to be up high, “crub” (Crib- where his “ginky” stays (this is his binky and blanky…) today he actually referred to a blueberry AS a BLUEberry- not just berry which is what he would call blueberries and strawberries..it kind of came out of no where.  He said “penis” the other day as I was changing his diaper- I look forward for that word to be coming out of no where, like in the middle of a quiet church service one day.   NEW Things he does:Walks backwards…funniest and cutest thing.  He loves it- thinks he’s awesome and hilarious as he’s doing it..and he is.  Also he can climb down stairs all on his own with out killing himself…this happened by accident and won’t happen again for a while..Nice to know it’s possible for him though.   Favorite books: I haven’t been great with the books- he reads a ton with my mom and dad and loves animals books  Stats:30 lbs, Size 5 diaper- clothes 24 months- 2T. Obsessions: Elmo (Melmo as he calls it), Dad’s hat, being on Dad’s shoulders- going under my legs as if I was on his shoulders, brushing his teeth  (which he calls “peace”)

PURCHASES:  Diapers. Wipes. Wish I had something a little more exciting- oh, Old Navy flip flops..I hope he can wear them!

SLEEP: Bed around 7- can usually last till 8-8:30 if we need…wakes up around 6:30.  Has a 3 hour nap if he was up “late” sometime before noon..or generally a 2 hour nap once in the day…sometimes he’ll sneak another one in.  Generally an AWESOME sleeper.

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK/MONTH: Our friend Mark is staying with us until he finds a new apartment. Elliot LOVES Mark- who he calls “Gark”  or “Nark” and Mark LOVES Elliot so this has given Momma a much appreciated break and Mom and Dad are happy to go out on some more “alone time” dates.  THANK YOU GOD!

WHAT I MISS: I don’t even know- I’ve come to be content with a lot..at times I “wish” I could not be carrying a 30 lb toddler up and down our 25 steep steps every day..but then I think if I NEVER had to carry him, I would miss that!  He can walk up stairs with help, but that also means we have to leave the house 10 minutes earlier..lol.  It happens, but not often.

WHAT I LOVE: What a little sponge Elliot is- he knows so much and understands so much..It’s crazy!

Motherhood 17 Months- Just one of Those Update Thingys

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HOW OLD IS ELLIOT: 17 Months and 1 week

BABY THIS WEEK/MONTH: NEW Words (that he tries to say): Hard to keep up with the new ones…- Apple, waffle, Bible, Hot Sauce is “Sah Sah”, ball, Jacket, nice, no no (cute now, later I am sure it won’t be), dude, book, shoe NEW Things he does:High fives and knuckles (unsure if I wrote this before), CLIMBS OUT OF CRIB!  He’ll be permanently wearing a sleep sack to prevent this, he is VERY clingy to me and cries if I leave the room to go to the bathroom- which brings me to his new curiosity of watching people pee.    Favorite books: Confession: I have been terrible with reading to him lately…I read whatever is closest to me usually! Stats:26 lbs, Size 5 diaper- clothes 12-18 months.- gonna bring out some 24 mos stuff soon- especially onesies & shirts, his pants can be either 12 or 18 mos depending on the brand

PURCHASES:  Diapers. Wipes.

SLEEP: (same) Goes to bed around 6:30-7- is tending to wake up once in the middle of the night and then maybe again TOO early, like 5:45 and he’ll usually be quiet till 6:30 when I go in and grab him.  **new thing** doesn’t ALWAYS cry when he wakes up- there are times when I hear him babbling and can make it in there before he does.  I would say over all- he’s a good sleeper (naps at least once 2-3 hours…sometimes a 2nd nap, but I think that is phasing out)

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK/MONTH: Going to visit Grammie and Grampie and all our VA fam over Thanksgiving!

WHAT I MISS: I miss having weekend mornings to be lazy…hubby is working A LOT…which includes some REALLY late nights and overnights..not feeling it.

WHAT I LOVE: When Elliot learns something new or does something we ask like “go get Dad’s shoes”- it always amazes me what he knows!

Motherhood 16 Months- Just one of those Update Thingys

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HOW OLD IS ELLIOT: 16 Months old- and a day

BABY THIS WEEK/MONTH: NEW Words (that he tries to say): He is saying so many words- I am surprised every day with something new it seems- car (with the perfect Boston accent (CAH)), truck, keys, cheese, help, Cracker (crack-coo), up, nigh nigh, Papa, Nana, Mama, Dada, hot, kitty (doggy and pancake still)  NEW Things he does: Hugs me when I am crouched on the floor- runs up behind me and gives me a big bear hug and almost knocks me over!  Also loves to give the dogs hugs- he is so good with them, it’s a shame we are looking for a new home for them  Favorite books: Little Critter books- Me and My Little Brother and Just Me and My Dad & an Alphabet Book  Stats:26 lbs, Size 5 diaper- clothes 12-18 months.

PURCHASES:  Diapers.

SLEEP: (same) Goes to bed around 6:30-7- is tending to wake up once in the middle of the night and then maybe again TOO early, like 5:45 and he’ll usually be quiet till 6:30 when I go in and grab him.  Still wakes up and cries…I can’t wait for him to just be able to say “Mom, get me out of here”

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK/MONTH: We enjoyed Halloween- He was a monkey and had a BLAST running down the street in the dark (sounds unsafe- I promise you I was right next to him)…also loved taking candy out of bowls and putting it in his pumpkin bowl

WHAT I MISS: I miss some “old” normals- like quiet times whenever I wanted, being able to buy things and not worry if we’ll have enough money or have to borrow more, actually putting effort into the way I look (it was always low maintenance- but now I have taken it to a new level of low I feel),

WHAT I LOVE: Seeing Elliot’s personality blossom- hearing Elliot and my husband “hang out”, makes me smile

The past couple months…

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I don’t know where to begin, I feel like the past couple months have been a total blur.  Have you ever heard “you are either coming into a storm, in a storm or just coming out of a storm”?  Well where are we?  Yes.  If it’s possible to have 3 storms simultaneously brewing, raging and dissipating we are there.  I don’t know if I even want to get into everything that is going on- cause I feel like today and the past couple days I have really been having a lot of peace about where I am at- and what I feel God is doing in all these things that I just don’t feel it’s necessary to go into great detail.  I don’t even know why I am posting this except to try and document where I am at this moment of motherhood- to hopefully not forget this time and be able to encourage the next Momma who finds herself in a place that seems WAY too hard.

Everything that I have been dealing with- I wonder at times if having a 1 year old makes it more difficult…and after some thought I am not going to try and sugar coat it and say “No, it makes it more interesting”- truth is it definitely makes it all more difficult!!!!  Not only are you dealing with these “extra” bumps in the road- you have to still wake up each morning, feed a baby, bathe a baby, dress a baby, change poopie diapers, drive to day care, drive to work, work, drive back to day care, pick up baby, feed baby, play with baby, dress a baby and put a baby to bed- NOW you get to deal with all those “other” things you have going on.  In times like these there seems to be no time to stop, rest and “enjoy the moment” – that everyone will say to make sure you are doing.  These days I feel like a robot set on auto pilot- many of the days routines are the same – even while everything around us is constantly changing.  I’m hoping October is a month of some normalcy- whatever that is!

I should say this- and sugar coat some of it cause really…it’s not all that bad.  I have a healthy, happy little baby-toddler boy who is learning new things and just a big old goof ball like his Dad.  I have a husband who loves me and is patient with all things.  He is some one I can learn from and lean on- and love.  I have friends who are constantly checking up and sending me encouraging texts and offers to help in whatever way they can to lighten our loads and carry our burdens.  I have a God who loves me and through all of this is growing me for good things He has planned for me to do before I was even born.  Hope in every trial and peace in every storm ❤  This is His promise to me and I’m holding on to it!

Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.