So no one ever told me being a mom to a newborn was easy- yet I think I went into this thinking it would be. My pregnancy was a breeze..life in general goes pretty smooth for me, so why not motherhood? I feel as though these past 3 weeks have really humbled me- made me see that I am not truly in control and sometimes life is just hard. I need to say this now- I KNOW many people have it way worse than me I will feel silly after I have this little vent session knowing people would kill to be in my shoes…but this is where I am at and I am just trying to be honest.
I’ll just start off with my biggest love/hate relationship – Breastfeeding. Oh boy at times I wish my boobs would just fall off to make the decision to do this out of my control. Multiple times I have entertained the idea of saying “screw this” and buying formula and just letting my boobs go dry….and then I have extreme guilt for even thinking that and think of how many women “muscle” through this difficult first month and how I am quick to just say “I don’t even want to try”…I look at my son and think “I am so sorry you got stuck with me as your mother”…many tears have been shed over this..many. I still have yet to supplement and I don’t say that in a “hey, look at me and how good I am doing” way cause I would NEVER EVER tell anyone that pushing through insanity to breastfeed is the right choice- I don’t think there is a right or wrong when it comes to how you feed your child- whether it be breast or formula. I just know once I go one way it’s unlikely I could go back and I am not ready to give up breastfeeding just yet.
So why do I hate breast feeding so much? Many many reasons…feeling tied down to Elliot and a prisoner to my couch are the biggest. Elliot is not a fan of the nursing cover so it makes going anywhere extremely uncomfortable for me knowing I’ll either have to sneak away like I am ashamed of what I am doing or simply whip my boob out in front of people. Another reason is my boobs never feel “good” anymore..they are either tingly, engorged or just plain old sore. Putting on special bras, special pads and special shirts already feels old to me. And you may ask, “what about trying to pump” OH do I HATE when people ask that question, as if pumping would solve all my problems. I have tried pumping and I hate that even more, I feel like it’s so much work for just a little milk, the thought of feeding Elliot and THEN hooking myself up to the milk vacuum for another 15 minutes sounds like a waste of time…I like things to be quick and easy- and my time in between feedings feels so minimal. At times there is no time in between…you feed, burp, walk around, bounce and then just as he falls asleep you go to lie him down and he wakes up- angry. You repeat and then by the time he settles his stomach says “hey it’s been an hour and 1/2…feed me again!” I don’t really know what a 3 hour stretch looks like…and if I do it’s not 3 hours of “me” time it’s a couple hours of wondering if he’ll wake up in the usual hour and 1/2 so I don’t really get a whole lot done…I should say this- to be honest- my husband is still home with me and he is pretty much always here and willing to take Elliot from me…even with that I STILL feel like I am going (or have gone) insane. I am a wimp, I’ll just admit that now.
So is there anything I am enjoying? I do enjoy learning more about him everyday. It feels pretty good being able to say “oh he’s about to poop or have gas” – but even that stuff I don’t quite have down to a science. He is getting more alert and I love when he looks at me or his little hand rests against my arm, almost as if on purpose. I love the times when he’s passed off to me crying and it’s only my special touch that calms him down (this is not an every time thing- but when it does happen you better believe it makes me feel good again).
I do believe that pretty soon I am going to reach a turning point- breastfeeding will be better, he may be on some what of a schedule or at least be a little more predictable..we may find a “cure” for his gas and recent fussiness…and I may just be able to leave the house! I also think I’ll feel like less of a failure and more of a first time mother who really doesn’t have much or any of the answers…and I’ll be ok with that. I am hoping the turning point is coming soon.
One Day at a Time 
Aww I’m sorry! I definitely have these breastfeeding moments, too. You’re doing an amazing job and doing an amazing thing for your boy! Stay strong.
Thx, the only thing that does keep me going is knowing it’s good for him…I’m going to try and make it at least 6 weeks, it’s my new goal.
I think that’s an amazing goal. Being a mamma is not easy. You’re a strong woman and Elliot is lucky to have you looking out for him.
Are you part of any message boards or Fb groups for new mamas? If not, you should totally consider it! SOOOOOO many women are experiencing the SAME thing as you right now, and it might be comforting to read about it (even if only in little updates) every day.
I was part of a message board on the Baby Whisperer Forums after Samuel was born and instead of feeling like a zombie from missing out on normal sleep in those early weeks, I felt like the whole thing was almost humorous because we were ALL saying such similar things every day! ❤
I’ll have to look into it! I know I’m “not alone”- but it sure does feel that way sometimes. Thanks for the suggestion 🙂
🙂
I can’t say it enough, but you are a total rock star. Raylan latched horribly, I had to use a nipple shield because of inverted nips, he hated that, so I pumped but dried up before week 3. It was all disappointing. But ya know what? We have gorgeous, wonderful little menfolk and amazing husbands. It gets better, no matter what our paths. I am happy to have found you so we could go on this crazy journey together!
(Also, I second Valerie! I’m a member of BabyCenter’s June 2014 Birth Club and I love it. It’s a great way to get questions answered and share personal experiences!)
I am not seeing myself being able to keep this up for the long haul…it’s sad cause it’s more because of my personality than lack of milk or ability. Yeah, I just admitted that…didn’t know these things about myself until now, but for sanity sake I’ll prob try until I go back to work..and have many formula questions for you! So be prepared 🙂
To be honest, once the initial disappointment was done, I have never felt more relieved to do anything in my whole entire life as I was when we were 100% formula. My husband can help and bond more with Raylan, I get more sleep, I feel more free, and my body was finally MINE again. Do what works for y’all and don’t regret for one minute any of your decisions! Elliot is pretty flawless and so are you, so I would say you are doing one hell of a job.
Thank you! It’s amazing that we beat ourselves up about everything we at times can’t control. I wish I was some one who enjoyed breastfeeding and didn’t have a mental break down every other day cause of it…anyways, I do appreciate your comment and I do have hope that when I make the choice to go on formula I’ll be happy I did 🙂 so happy to have you as well- love the encouragement!